3.24.16: 4 weeks 4 days
Infertility has rocked my entire world. Although I wouldn’t consider myself the ultimate optimist, I consider myself a realist who is capable accepting the good things in life. However, the last two years of trying to conceive seem to have re-wired my brain. I know this because after finally having a positive home pregnancy test after an embryo transfer AND today having a very positive blood test, I am still guarded. I am still cautious.
The realistic part of my brain is ruling the optimistic part of my heart.
My journey with infertility has largely consisted of downs. I thought that once I got a positive pregnancy test I would be overjoyed and full of excitement. It’s quite the opposite. I think about the next hurdle I need to overcome then the next hurdle…and the next. I know its early and anything can happen, but I would LOVE to just be able to relish is these past few days of being pregnant.
But I know too much…
I know too much because of the crash course in infertility education I have received over the past two years and because I am a high-risk obstetrician who has seen practically every bad thing that can happen during pregnancy. I wish for just one moment I could be in ignorant bliss, but that is simply not ever going to be my reality.
I suppose I am still in disbelief. I have trained myself to prepare for the worse case scenario, which has served me well for the most part. I haven’t trained myself to accept the good, though. My husband has asked me if everything works out at what point will I finally relax. The short answer is probably never.
But I need to take a step back and not be an infertility patient. Not be a doctor who knows too much about what bad things can happen. Not be a realist. I need to be happy for where I am today. How far I have come in my journey even if it is only a pregnancy confirmed by a blood test. I need to be a pregnant woman with hopes for our future.
My good news hasn’t been good enough because I haven’t allowed it to be. I cant really blame myself, though. I have been through a lot. I just have to choose to not let my struggle with infertility take everything away from me. I can’t let it take away the joy, the excitement, the hope that comes with being pregnant.
From this day forward for as long as this ride lasts, I will have more good days than bad. I will think about the good things that can happen rather than the bad. I will catch myself smiling and realize that for this moment in time I am pregnant.
I am pregnant…