3.31.16: 5 weeks 4 days
Today was our first ultrasound. My pregnancy hormone levels have been increasing beautifully, but for some reason I kept thinking there would be nothing to see on the ultrasound. I even had a dream about it last night.
As soon as I got on the table, I started to cry. I was so anxious and nervous and fearful. My husband thought I was crazy, I’m sure. But as soon as the doc put the ultrasound probe in I saw it. Two beautiful gestational sacs. Two!!! I can’t say I was completely surprised, though. I had a feeling because of how high my pregnancy hormones levels were. But to actually see it was a whole different experience!
There were two!
It was too early for heartbeats, but I knew that. I knew not to expect it. I need to wait another week or so for another ultrasound.
I feel relieved. Somewhat. I cant help but think of all the bad though. That’s what I see everyday with my job. It’s going to be hard to be a patient and not a doctor. I let the memories of many of the patients I have treated over the years replay over and over in my mind. I remember many of them so well and what they had to go through. I remember their pain.
Despite all of this, I am so hopeful. I am also still so scared. I am scared of all the what-ifs; of all the potentials. I know I am going to have to find a way to be happy and enjoy this gift I have been given. I have to find a way to be a normal pregnant woman.
I know I am anything but normal. I wear the battle scars of infertility. I wear the badge of loss and now the badge of possibiity. I wear the worry, the fear, and the anxiety on every inch of my body. I am trying so hard not the let the scars take away my joy.
For now I am just taking it day by day. I don’t resent my scars. I want to accept them and move on. I think I can do that. I hope I can at least.
But for today, I am pregnant…with twins!