4.6.16: 6 weeks 3 days
Anyone who has go through infertility understands that feeling when you actually see a heartbeat. It’s a feeling of joy, hope, relief and fear all rolled into one. I say fear because as soon as I saw their heartbeats, I immediately started to worry. I worried that one day I wouldn’t see these beautiful little flickers. It’s a constant worry that lessens somewhat with time, but never truly goes away.
As a Maternal-Fetal Medicine specialist, I have been the one to tell many women that the flicker was gone. Over the years I have tried to find the best way to deliver this news, but there is really no one right way. In my earlier years, I fumbled, got nervous and would try to find less harsh words to use when delivering the news.
As I’ve gotten older, I have found that being as accurate and to the point as possible with what has happened is the best way to tell her. I then try to make sure she has all of her questions answered, and I try to be as empathetic as I possibly can. Finally, I make sure to tell her I am sorry and that what has happened is not her fault. I think that is very important for her to know.
Being a patient is such a different experience for me. I feel so much more. I understand so much more. I feel the joy, hope, relief, and fear. I know the innate desire to see the flicker. I also know the fear of it no longer being there.
Every time I have an ultrasound, overwhelming anxiety is immediately replaced with pure joy. It’s a cycle that I am sure I will experience many times over along this journey.
Seeing my babies heartbeats sparked something deep inside me. I now feel such a strong desire to preserve those little flickers and anxiously await the next appointment when I can see them. Not just because I am an infertility patient, but because I am now a mother. A mother!
Today was confirmation that I am pregnant. There were two beautiful little flickers. Two heartbeats inside my body.
I am pregnant!!